To The Thought That One          Could Ever Leave- HOME there on a field of condoms and crack vials victims again of their conspired denials where their nights are dark and their days darker where some choose to conceive knowing where encoded bruises are left behind a quick-fix of love or potions to relieve discomforts of hidden emotions treated once again with such violent elegance reduced to a role a lifeless soul with so little time to savor and suffer they manage to pass the desperate hours with naked expression with shattered hearts it was left behind their hysterical society where they were different at least to them please not speak of virtue as too little would be certain and please not speak of verdicts that may return to you the time goes on for robert and brigham and evelyn and roger for alfred and his brother for billy and his mother for all once were so they still are a part of home love love is a promise that grows and doesn't yet grows when it doesn't and in every promise a nucleus faith it's easy to love when you're being loved love operates in the absence of love in the dark asleep my eyes open slowly seeing so little feeling you there in the same place gathering in the air the damp of your flesh lemongrass and sweat the atlantic and earth dripping secrets of your core a lighted white tower in the quiet of darkness leering down at me the night's last dream always topped with cream my eyes scale slowly remarking the inches surprising my eyes so ecstatic to see you your face like a dial lit up by a touch with hands all stuck at timeless seconds we have lift off left   right left   right dancing nearing meeting there in the same place speaking their language of signs and contact for the first time feeling and truthing clinging gently and firmly effortlessly to each other and the truth in the dark i love you every time i see your smile hold you closely or watch you cry and every time when i'm lost and ill i can feel your hand reaching out to guide me even when you're not there every time it makes me cry we own mountains one called faith where from the top we leave our clothes to climb the stars admiring from afar and on the way down we reach love mountain with springs and falls gentle streams and rivers and caves so warm filled with closeness so complete and secure these things are ours to have and to hold together we made them we are mountains ours forever r u s h i get a hold of them the bottoms with my teeth don't worry you'd survive witnesses guarantee teeth opening and closing on the bottoms of your feet you could squeeze a few pillows or beg for your mommy you could pull me tightly or blackout once again just tell me our word and i'll soon stop but excited you get and our word you forgot in a newborn haze you're suddenly rushed offering zero resistance you feel the crush you mentally struggle to remember how to speak slowly wondering you return to memories of your feet the 45th prick walking in squares and speaking funny talk wearing beads of confusion the coerced passenger bares a ticket to Lost with sights and sounds unfamiliar his massy machine was picking up steam we can stop this trip quick get the pins help me fight for my will we can make my mind still i will now lay down what is my name we must be quick in the back of my thigh begin to prick his war had ensued he would not win he would not lose this time ow ow! don't stop owww! god! oh! god! ah! please do not stoppp! ow! ohh!... around the 45th prick he could feel no more his stolen senses were quietly restored his body had waned to an audible snore she looks down at her love with tears in her eyes a long breath later she begins to cry her tears streamed down onto her fallen hero to whom it may concern: i came to the disgust of your realization that i am free and you are not that i can be me you fear the thought so don't impede and do not block i flow like a spirit you weigh like a rock my love endures somehow you know push me too far and shit you will go i might be a spectacle to someone like you i am every color your favorite is blue you like to watch so let me spin in a moment or two i'll enjoy your grin peace-out, bitch a part i remember this death when promises fleet atop passing butterflies when promises morph into pain filled lies i remember this death a comatose trust and diseased innocence i remember this death alive in me to my lover if i could i'd take you by the hand feeling every finger begging so to understand i'd open your hand and kiss you there place it on my face and wonder of your care i'd kiss you once and then not stop our hearts start racing you guide me on top i whisper these words that only you hear i love you baby please always be there i feel your hands speaking words crystal clearly saying i love you so much and i need you so dearly you are my lover my own sacred friend i pray to the gods our love never ends finding me i'd love to bathe you i want you to know every inch and every toe from your ankles and legs to your butterflied part hoping to find me somewhere in your heart around the curves and through the woods down your shoulders and back grasping all of your goods and when i let go you'll remember our start and find yourself there in all of my heart breathing compost i could smell your compost see into it as well your lifeless dreams still under a spell laying near death only half covered by a last-day tampon and bare chicken bones under killed mockingbirds still screeching of love still posing as doves in need of blood destined with harm for you replete with unfairness and lopsided love of insecurity and doubt and strings for you could be loved by a prisoner without becoming imprisoned free yet captive to its breathing THE BUFFALO ROADHOUSE (1981) i can take it the west side highway again tough getting over the loss of some friends at happ'ning joints we sat for hours swappin pasts and dreams fast food and sours and as we grew one thing we knew from what we'd been through and all the care that in our future we'd each be there he moved his lips he raised his head the n.y. times said 150 might surely be dead and then the wonder paralyzing wonder the mother and father of lightning and thunder in its speed it surely came sparing none with its blame shadowy cremations revealed the shame i thought i failed somewhere in our talks cause i got precautious early in my walk with amended realities i look ahead these days thanking the powers i could change my ways i recall the bounce of that highway beneath of all it had meant and all it could teach done when i reach for my words they come from deep places under vanished scars and old stolen treasures from slights and pains and sweet daily pleasures i sit down with my laptop then shutout the world just me and some keys i do funny things i drink diet ice tea then stare at a clock i silence the phone and xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx i like the bottom i often start there so my fingers get busy seeing what's there a slow poke here a long stroke there obeying my desire moving as i say i follow and lead i excuse my conscience to see the great sea of every experience compressed in me all of my years each single moment waiting endlessly waiting to be often i smile sometimes i tear depends on the moment depends on the year i hear the keys increasing in pace i follow and lead they grant me grace a new line there i don't analyze and do not judge coming with a splash line after line until i'm spent exhausted and done it's always big fun to see what i've done sometimes disbelieving they came to be knowing and loving they'll outlive me V O I C E L E S S W I S H E S there behind a poorly hidden inviting smile with an indented midsection and a biscuit butt-- early on the rise and calves--slickedy smooth still awkward in beauty though complete in composition unable to hide the tremoring fingers and screaming anticipation surges of instinct and stampeding excitement dashed the barriers of consciousness that had rendered unattended our desperate affections left incapable of pretending not to know sacredest territories were suddenly exposed anonymous desires and unclaimed wishes met for nourishment and hugs & kisses a relaxed entrance lined with welcome and thought filled motions in united isolation in space rendered undisguised and obvious with truth and fidelity and unquestioned sincerity unwithheld sounds of inner excitement through unchartered passages and internal delightment we quietly laid in our sacred cuddle binded by evidence and mingled perspiration in what was left of our mutual explanation rich with account and certain in spirit the rare spare moments in life when we live it TATTOOS DON'T BLEED ON DEAD SKIN there we were taken long before we were ready through barely lit rooms of horror and pain where air is shared with unwelcoming scents bouquets of antiseptic and cancer and the plague surrounded by shelves up high in rows candy jars filled with formaldehyde and hearts tendered most naively then very sharply broken not once or twice but over and over and over again and not out of necessity no not out of need broken for one reason: because they could be my eyes they burned at every turn i saw an archway short and narrow and hit both sides fighting to get through to the room of remains all open for view in their clothes saturated not only with them but with flies and worms and slugs and bugs and empty boxes for dahmer and manson and his gang in this room they kept the murdered saints with a running nose i tried not to breathe the lights went out so i had to feel ahead down below to a faint flickering glow to a forsakened place where angels no longer go met by escorts we were silently led through a corridor like life where souls on fire are just passed by a telling quiet the only warning before sounds of air rushing thru their flames staggering stuns strike long after the pain not once or twice but over and over and over again i begged the escorts to help me get back i wanna go back to nana and the pact if not for long for just a little while back to the late late show the million dollar movie the overbearing seventies the harrad experiment and the stepford wives billy jack and the pam grier flicks a time when hate seemed to decline any time in my life that was pre aids not hard to see this was not gonna be heard by my ears eyes and soul: depend on us not we speak only the language of convenience no longer led we were now being pushed into a room of memories and primitive senses the short lived days of incomplete duets times of promise and times of ignorance with vanishing images and voices unseen terrorizing fear recreates the view up on the wall presented cinematically were replays of harm and base humiliation imposed degradation and personal moments of shame times we wished God was not watching uncomfortable times when life painfully describes for us who     we     were      then       then i was tapped on the shoulder by the Saviour in me saying wake up wake up do this not for Thee or was it a necessary or unnecessary torment for seasons of fallacy and spells of fraud or for when and why we chose not to see how the feelings of one affects us all and the immeasurable value of every soul